Anthor Stupid Game show Fanfic
by Caboose2814
Summary: It's the same old thing. The LoK cast go on a gameshow. Except i get to beat up Moebius mercilessly!
1. It's time to meet our contestants!

Another Stupid Game show Fanfic  
  
I don't own Raziel and friends. The good people at Crystal Dynamics and Eidos do. Also I don't own Cartman, Comedy Central does. Even the concept of this fic is old. The only original things in here are the jokes (most of them)! Please don't sue me. Also, the author Emerl of Chaos has given me his permission to appear in this fanfic, as he is my brother. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
Chapter 1: Let's meet our contestants!  
  
HM: Hello! I'm Hylden Messiah and welcome to the first episode of "Answer Stupid Questions for a Butt load of Money"! (Pause) God, who came up with that title?  
  
Emerl of Chaos: Melchiah did sir.  
  
HM: Dammit. He was supposed to be more creative than that (sigh). Oh yeah. This is my assistant/brother Emerl of Chaos. It's time to meet our contestants! First is Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Hey.  
  
HM: Tell our readers why you want to be on our show today.  
  
Raziel: I need more money to buy more Reaver power-ups.  
  
HM: You already have too many damn Reaver power-ups!  
  
Raziel: No I don't! I need more to kill people in creative fashions.  
  
HM: Okaaay. Whatever happened to all those Glyphs you had at the end of Soul Reaver?  
  
Raziel: I had a yard sale.  
  
HM: (Pause) Let's move on. Also on our show we have Kain! Why do you want to be on our show?  
  
Kain: I needed something to do. It gets pretty boring ruling a post- apocalyptic wasteland.  
  
HM: And if you win the money?  
  
Kain: I'll probably blow it all on Spawn comics.  
  
Raziel: (Under his breath) All this time and you still haven't changed.  
  
HM: Next we have Moebius the Time Streamer!  
  
Moebius: How did I get here?  
  
HM: I hit you over the head and dragged you here.  
  
Moebius: Is that why my feet are chained to the podium?  
  
HM: Yes. And last we have Eric Cartman!  
  
Cartman: I was to understand that there would be free Cheesy Poofs here.  
  
HM: There isn't any.  
  
Cartman: GODAMMIT!!  
  
HM: Now that all the contestants have been introduced, it's time to start the questions! Raziel. Which of your brothers threw you into The Lake of the Dead?  
  
Raziel: Ahhh... Turel and Dumah.  
  
HM: That's correct! 10pts to Raziel! Kain. What is the name of the Necromancer who turned you into a vampire?  
  
Kain: That's easy. Mortanius.  
  
HM: Correct. Moebius, this next question is for you. (In a quiet voice) Will I get all A's on my next report card.  
  
Moebius: How the hell am I supposed to know?!  
  
HM: You're the Time Streamer dammit! You're supposed to know all!  
  
Moebius: I don't know! You're insane!!  
  
HM: That's incorrect (except the insane part). You must now face a penalty.  
  
Moebius: What's that?  
  
HM: It's whatever horrible thing I can think of to torture you.  
  
Raziel: Disembowel him!  
  
Kain: Stab him with knives! Pointy knives!  
  
HM: Hmmm... I know! I'll take his staff and beat him with it!  
  
All: Yaayy!!  
  
Moebius: But... that's morally wrong!  
  
HM: I don't care. Gimme.  
  
Moebius gives him his staff.  
  
HM: Now while I'm beating this hapless sucker here's a word from our sponsor Elder God.  
  
Cuts to the commercial.  
  
Elder God: Are you tired of trying to hurt vampires but with no effect? Then come on down to the Underworld to be granted the abilities to reave their apostate souls! Just look at these mutilated vampires!  
  
Melchiah: I used to be a horrible monster that shifted dimensions and wore other people's flesh. But then Elder God returned me to the Wheel of Fate and I couldn't be happier!  
  
Zephon: I was a big ass spider like guy until Raziel came and killed me by lighting my eggs on fire and used them to pummel me. Then he returned me to Wheel of Fate where I belong.  
  
Rahab: I'm a fishy! Say it with me! FISSHY!  
  
(Unfortunately his brain was damaged due to over-exposure to UV rays.)  
  
Elder God: So sign up and you can kill idiots like these and more!  
  
Raziel: Wait. Elder God sponsors you guys?  
  
HM: Yeah. We had to sell our souls too him to get this game show! *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
That's it for this chapter. If you read this then review! I don't care if you thought it was a great fic or if it was the worst piece of crap you've ever seen! JUST REVIEW!! 


	2. Round Two

I do not own Raziel and his jolly band of rogues. Crystal Dynamics and Eidos do. Also I don't own Cartman, Comedy Central does. And I don't own Bill & Ted (thank God!). *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
Chapter 2: Strange things are afoot at the Circle K (watched too much  
Bill & Ted last night. Ugh)  
  
HM: Well now that I've finished beating on Moebius...  
  
Moebius: God... the pain... make it stop.  
  
HM: We now move on to Eric Cartma-....  
  
Sees Cartman's mutilated and bloodied corpse lying across his podium. Looks over at Kain and Raziel. Sees Kain licking blood off his lips and sees Raziel rearranging his scarf/cowl.  
  
HM: What the hell happened?!?  
  
Raz & Kain: Well...  
  
*Flashback*  
  
HM is in the background pummeling Moebius screaming "Stupid old man! Tell me the future! I need that PS2!!" We see that everyone is focused on the Elder God's commercial. Raz & Kain slowly sneak up behind Cartman. Then they drink his blood and devour his soul.  
  
*End flashback*  
  
HM: Guys. You can't just go killing off my contestants.  
  
Kain: But my health gauge was getting low!  
  
Raziel: Yeah, and it'd been a while since I'd eaten a soul as fat and succulent as his.  
  
HM: If you guys are hungry go pick off some of the audience. They're expendable. Or take my brother here...  
  
Emerl of Chaos: Hey!!  
  
HM: The point is that now we've got to find someone to replace him and it's all your fault!  
  
Raz & Kain: We're sorry.  
  
HM: You're forgiven. Emerl! Fetch me a new victi-... er... contestant. Yeah.  
  
EoC: Who d'ya want?  
  
HM: Go get me... Dumah!  
  
EoC: He'll be a lot harder to hit over the head than Moebius was.  
  
HM: I don't care. Just do it.  
  
EoC: Fine. (Under his breath.) Someday I'll make him pay.  
  
HM: Sorry for that delay folks! Let's move on to the second round. But before we do that I have a question for Raziel out of pure curiosity.  
  
Raziel: Shoot.  
  
HM: In Soul Reaver you hunted down and killed all your brethren. But you never found Turel. What happened to him and have you seen him?  
  
Raziel: (Thinks really hard.)  
  
*Flashback*  
  
At Raziel's yard sale...  
  
Turel: Oooh! A Sound Glyph! I needs me one of them. How much?  
  
Raziel: 20 bucks. Say, don't I know you from somewhere?  
  
Turel: No. I'll give you 15.  
  
Raziel: 17.50.  
  
Turel: Done.  
  
*End flashback*  
  
Raziel: Nope, I haven't seen him.  
  
HM: Huh. Well here's your question. Who was Kain before he became a vampire?  
  
Raziel: Oh! I know this one! He was... um... the son of an aristocratic family!  
  
HM: That's correct. Raziel now has 30pts. Kain. Which mutated vampire lieutenant gave Raziel the ability to breathe underwater?  
  
Kain: Uhh... Zephon?  
  
HM: Sorry but the correct answer was Rahab. Your penalty is that you have to engage in a Super Soaker fight with me.  
  
Kain: But... vampires are weak against water.  
  
HM: I know. Shall we proceed to the arena?  
  
Kain: Crap.  
  
The camera is still focused on the stage. We can only hear their off-screen voices  
  
HM: Ha ha ha! Now I have you at my mercy! Once I pump my squirt gun.... Yes! Now feel my wrath! (Squirting noise.)  
  
Kain: Arrgh!!  
  
HM: Oh yeah! How does it feel now bee-.... Hunh?!? Hey! No fair using telekin- gaak! Ok! Ok! I give!  
  
They return to their seats  
  
HM: Grrr. Moving right along. Moebius.  
  
Moebius: (Fearfully)What?  
  
HM: In Mega Man X game for SNES what power do you get from beating Sting Chameleon?  
  
Moebius: Chameleon Sting.  
  
HM: (Pause) Correct. But how did you know?  
  
Moebius: Heck. I play all the Mega Man games when I'm not screwing around with people's destinies.  
  
HM: Well whatever. I wonder where Emerl is?  
  
Suddenly (as if on cue) Emerl bursts onto the stage he is severely battle damaged and has Dumah slumped over his shoulders.  
  
EoC: Well, it was a tough battle.... But I finally parallel parked!  
  
HM: What? But how did you get Dumah?  
  
EoC: Oh that was easy. I caught him during nappy time.  
  
Sets him in his seat.  
  
HM: Kain, wake your undead son.  
  
Kain: Fine. (Uses his bad-guy, villain voice.) DUMAH! I AM A PLAGUE UPON THE LAND! I REPRESENT ALL THAT IS EVIL AND CORRUPT IN THIS WORLD! I COMMAND YOU TO RISE FROM YOUR SLUMBER!!  
  
Dumah: Mmm.... Just five more minutes Daddy. (Wakes up.) Hunh? Where am I?  
  
HM: On a game show. Somewhere in Nevada.  
  
Dumah: Why?  
  
HM: It's a long story. Suffice to say that one of our contestants was brutally murdered and you're his replacement.  
  
Dumah: This involves Dad and Razzy in some way doesn't it?  
  
Raziel: Don't call me Razzy!  
  
HM: Shut up! The episode is almost over and we're running out of time! Dumah. How did Raziel kill you?  
  
Dumah: He stuck me in a furnace then burned me to a crisp! (Pause) Then he ate my soul. Wait... if I died then how am I on this game show?  
  
HM: This is a fanfic. If I want you to make a guest appearance then you damn well are gonna make one! Oh yeah and that's 20pts.  
  
EoC: (Does the gesture that imitates severing one's head that means "Wrap it Up")  
  
HM: No! I've already told you that it's too early to kill the contestants! We have to wait until...  
  
EoC: (Holds up the "Wrap it Up" box)  
  
HM: Oh okay! Well folks that's all the time we have for today. The score is at Raziel: 30pts, Kain: 10pts, Moebius: 20pts, and Dumah: 20pts. Tune in next time for whatever it is this show is called (and reviewing would help there be a next time)!  
  
Raziel: Hey! We're hungry again!  
  
HM: Hunh? Oh. The audience is over there, but be careful. I think my parents are in there and I still have to live off them for a few more years.  
  
Lights fade  
  
Epilogue  
  
Outside the Circle K Mortanius and Vorador are playing Super Smash Bros. Melee.  
  
Mortanius: Ha ha! You are no match for Mewtwo's psychic power!  
  
Vorador: Perhaps. But you are very easy to knock off while Ganondorf won't budge an inch!  
  
They continue playing in this manner until two unidentified surfer dudes walk up.  
  
"Bill?" "Yeah Ted?" "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K." *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Well how did you like it? Did you think the ending was too much? Want me to rip out the heart of some hapless sucker? Then please direct all your comments and questions to the review board! PLEASE REVIEW!! I learned that feedback is very important to writers and yours would help.  
  
. 


End file.
